An elderly Jewish gentleman marries a much younger woman. No matter what
the husband does sexually, the woman never achieves orgasm.

Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to ask the
rabbi.
The rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes the following
suggestion:

“Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the
young man wave a towel over you. That will help the wife fantasize and
should bring on an orgasm”.

They go home and follow the rabbi’s advice. They hire a handsome young man
and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It doesn’t help and she
is still unsatisfied.

Perplexed, they go back to the rabbi. “Okay”, he says to the husband,
“let’s try it reversed”. Have the young man make love to your wife and you
wave the towel over them.”

Once again, they follow the rabbi’s advice. The young man gets into bed
with the wife and the husband waves the towel. The young man gets working
with great enthusiasm and the wife soon has an enormous, room-shaking,
ear-splitting, screaming orgasm. The husband smiles, looks at the young man
and says to him triumphantly:

“You see, you young schmuck? THAT’S how you wave a towel”

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The apologies could fall from the sky like rain.

You might wonder if the previously unforgiven would suddenly come to a halt;

But how could it when I am still in so much pain,

And you are still at fault?

Christina Bledsoe

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Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn’t have one.

The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.

Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.

Cher claims that she took on 3.

We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.

What is it? Answer below! (This is pretty good)

The answer is: “A Last Name.”

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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
– Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex—no matter what she’s reading.”
– Steve Jobs (Founder: Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with “Guess” on it. I said, “Thyroid problem?”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger

“Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
– Tiger Woods

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*censored*.”
– Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
– Robin Williams

“Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.”
– Roseanne

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
– Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
– Robert DE Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
– Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines, because men think, I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.”
– Jerry Seinfeld

“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
– Rod Stewart

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
– Robin Williams

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People are rarely what they appear to be,
Always trying to make you think otherwise,
They don’t want you to see,
The shadow of doubt that lie behind their eyes.

They try to make themselves look better than they really are,
Their life is a tale hardly based on fact,
They may have a nice house or car,
But the attitude within is all just an act.

What happens when everything falls apart?
What happens when everything comes to an end?
Is it then you will start,
To realize that all along everythings been just pretend?

Christina Bledsoe

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I don’t expect you to shed a tear,
I don’t expect you to call once a week or even once a year.
I don’t expect an apology for what you “haven’t done”,
I don’t expect you to buy me lavish gifts or even inexpensive ones.
I don’t expect you to visit or write,
I don’t expect you to call to say good-night.
I don’t expect you to trust me,
I don’t expect you to love me.
I don’t expect you to worry about what you’ve missed,
But I do expect you to acknowledge that I exist.
That and nothing more,
I really don’t feel it’s too much to ask for.

Christina Bledsoe

Authors Comment:

This was originally supposed to apply to my father but after thinking about it - it applies to my entire family (is that what you call it?).

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COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that when we had

a case of mad cow desease, our government could track a

cow born in Canada almost three years ago, right to the stall
where she sleeps in the state of Washington. And they tracked her calves
to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give them all a cow.

************************************
CONSTITUTION
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don’t we
just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it’s
worked for over 200 years and we’re not using it anymore.

************************************

TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a Courthouse!
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery”
and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges and
politicians! It creates a hostile work environment!

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You
Precious
Beautiful
Light of my life
Pride

Christina Bledsoe

**Lanturne
The Lanturne is a five-line verse shaped like a Japanese lantern with a syllabic pattern of one, two, three, four, one.

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OBJECTIVE
To disengage said bra without looking like an idiot.

WHAT YOU NEED
1) Girl with bra
2) Two functional hands
3) Common Sense

TECHNIQUES
1) THE HOUDINI HUG — Using sleight-of-hand, place arms around girl and unhook bra. Try to refrain from saying, “Ta-da!”
2) MCGYVER’S OFF-THE-SHOULDER SLIDE — An alternative method to use after ten minutes of unsuccessful hugging.
3) HILTON’S LAST RESORT — Beg like a dog and learn to absorb the harsh sound of wicked laughter.

DO NOT USE: scissors, blowtorch, pliers, wire strippers, cutlery, Black Magic, staple remover, chainsaw, brute strength, CB4, set of lock picks, or chisel and hammer.

WARNING: When removing a bra you should not say the following:
1) “I really want to thank you for this.”
2) “Dammit! I thought they were bigger.”
3) “Do you have any cereal?”

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