At a Senior Citizen’s luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day. The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?” All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, “Up or down?” There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, “Up or down?” The woman replied, “Down.” A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,” Up or down?” She replied, “Up.” This really confused the gentleman so he asked, “What’s the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!” She replied, “Well, yesterday I wasn’t wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were “fuck or drown.”

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1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9 . Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door
won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of
one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,
rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms
and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I used to” replaces “I’m never going
to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them
instead of asking “Oh shit what the hell happened?”

Bonus:

26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that
doesn’t apply to you and can’t find one to save your
sorry old ass.

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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

MAN: “Yes”

WOMAN: “I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It’s only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?”

MAN: “A coat for only $1,000? Sure…go ahead if you like it that much.”

WOMAN: “I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models. I saw one I really liked”

MAN: “How much?”

WOMAN: “$90,000″

MAN: “OK, but for $90,000 I want it with all the options.”

WOMAN: “Great! Oh, and one more thing … The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They’re asking $950,000″

MAN: “Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if you really want to.”

WOMAN: “OK. I’ll see you later! I love you so much!!”

MAN: “Bye! I love you, too.”

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape…..

He smiles and asks: “Anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

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Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband’s insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night - only to find a cucumber in his hand.

“Is this”, she asked, pointing to the vegetable, “what you’ve been using on me for the fast 5 years?”

“Honey, let me explain..”

“Why, you sneaky bastard!” she screamed. “You impotent son of a -”

“Speaking of sneaky,” her husband coolly interjected, “maybe you’d like to explain our three kids?”

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“Action is the key to success. Procrastination will tempt, fun and games will call, and people will interrupt, but the secret of achievement is to FOCUS. Isolate what you want to do, get started, and DO IT WELL.”

– Author Unknown

Tags: Tidbits by Christina
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